38.09.23.10.08

It's funny how time makes everything more complicated. Many of us work jobs where we have to do things very fast, and in many cases many things very quickly all day long. Sure, this makes the day go by faster, so to speak, but it also takes away virtually any chance of actually taking in your surroundings during that period.

Then you have the slow downs... I really wish I could find some way to quantify how time seems to actually slow down when things are bad. When you're depressed, something bad just happened, even when you're just bored. The perception changes almost in keeping with murphy's law. After all, wouldn't you rather have the good times go slower and the bad times go faster? Wouldn't you rather do things quickly but still be able to enjoy those moments of interest during the day?

I think that time is the enemy of free will. We are governed throughout our lives by the rules and regulations of time. With few exceptions, even people who are generally very enlightened still fear death. Maybe not fear for after, but an innate fear of simply running out of time. We fear time and what it means, so we are forced to do whatever we can to avoid the inevitability. That is where time traps us, caught between fear and inevitability.

Not to say I am any different, by all accounts I'm a completely average person really. I may have a slightly bolder vocabulary than some, but in the grand scheme of things, I still want what everyone wants: happiness, comfort, and a good burrito. Happiness fades all too quickly over time. Comfort lasts only as long as there is time within a situation. Even a good burrito gets cold and stale before much time has passed. All of the things that make life worth living are blocked by those natural and innate biological regulations of time. It's not fair really, but then, what in life is?

I used to write like this fairly often, just thinking out loud, so to speak. Time even became the enemy there. It was inevitable, after all, that people would read what I wrote, and eventually someone I know would take something I had written badly, and over time I lost friends because I was simply honest. I guess I should clarify, it's not really time that's the enemy, it's the attached inevitability. Chaos theory, basic statistics, virtually every math system in existence all follow a few pretty basic fundamental ideas, one of them is that given any possibility for a result, with enough attempts, the result will eventually happen. Inevitability, even in the basic principals of math it's there.

One has to wonder then, what part of inevitability could be found further on? From a theological standpoint, the soul is immortal, but our comprehension of immortality is faulty at best, and if any part of the soul is part of some natural system, all signs point to even the soul eventually dispersing or something like that. From a purely scientific standpoint, energy is the closest thing that can be proven to be truly indestructible. The body dies, but the energy within it has to go somewhere. Many believe it simply disperses into the atmosphere and becomes nothing more than a few more ions floating about. But even in that form, the energy lives on... changing as needed, sure, but it continues. For how long though? Does the energy eventually actually fade away, or is it absorbed by something else and simply changed again?

Maybe that's the real key to it all, that the connections between us make the difference in beating inevitability at its own game. But then, it is hard to find the time to make connections with people... You win this round inevitability.

53.11.20.10.08

Fuck.

I find it simply amazing how well a single word, especially one with such vast meanings ranging from completely figurative to utterly offensive can always seem to describe exactly how I'm feeling without any context attached.

I suppose the real pain of my situation is that as I get older, and presumably wiser, I find more and more that I am less and less unique. I am single, I work too much, get paid too little, I take responsibilities upon myself that are really not necessary, and I take life too seriously too much of the time. I have very few friends, I have no real possessions of great worth, no real definitive direction in life, no real major goals to speak of, and the highlight of my day is when I get just a little bit of enjoyment out of pointless flirting at work.

And again it hits me, how sad is it that for as terribly melancholy as my life sounds, I'm surrounded by people in similar and even more dreary situations. I am not happy right now, but I can't say that I'm altogether depressed either. Sure, there are things I would like to change, and that I would like to work themselves out, but I have removed myself from almost every situation I've had to deal with that made my life worse than it was in recent years, and though I've lost friends along the way, in the long run I think it was worth it.

I can't say the same for my dopplegangers out there. So many souls with so much going for them that disappears in an instant whenever any little negative thing happens. Fight with a wife or girlfriend, and life is terrible. Car wrecked, have to get repairs, life will never be the same. Personally, I'm not a big fan of life being the same, and I really think that if life is terrible, there's only one way to go from there. But even as I climb this spiraling staircase, convincing myself that what I'm writing has some deeper meaning, I still find myself going back to my original thought...

Fuck.

Maybe it's the act that I can't get out of my mind as opposed to the descriptive. If only things were that simple. An acquaintance of mine has a fight with his loved one, at least he can still say she's his loved one... at least he still has someone to call. And if he can't, he's probably got someone else to call. There's the rub. I honestly can't remember the last time I was able to sit down with someone who I cared about, either as a friend or significant other, and talk about... anything. Loneliness has a strange way of forcing the mind to work differently I think. I see things differently every day. Make no mistake, it's not depression and it's not anti-social behavior or anything like that. I simply have lost every friend I had through a combination of random situations, personal mistakes, and bad timing.

To be where I am in life, without any real direction or anyone to share life with, can be really painful at times. But then again, I think I have gained a certain appreciation for the little things I didn't before. It's truth come full circle: the things you take for granted you will lose.

...but that's not to say you lose them forever. At least, I certainly hope not.

Fuck.

Positivity aside, I'm still going to bed alone tonight.