Fuck.
I find it simply amazing how well a single word, especially one with such vast meanings ranging from completely figurative to utterly offensive can always seem to describe exactly how I'm feeling without any context attached.
I suppose the real pain of my situation is that as I get older, and presumably wiser, I find more and more that I am less and less unique. I am single, I work too much, get paid too little, I take responsibilities upon myself that are really not necessary, and I take life too seriously too much of the time. I have very few friends, I have no real possessions of great worth, no real definitive direction in life, no real major goals to speak of, and the highlight of my day is when I get just a little bit of enjoyment out of pointless flirting at work.
And again it hits me, how sad is it that for as terribly melancholy as my life sounds, I'm surrounded by people in similar and even more dreary situations. I am not happy right now, but I can't say that I'm altogether depressed either. Sure, there are things I would like to change, and that I would like to work themselves out, but I have removed myself from almost every situation I've had to deal with that made my life worse than it was in recent years, and though I've lost friends along the way, in the long run I think it was worth it.
I can't say the same for my dopplegangers out there. So many souls with so much going for them that disappears in an instant whenever any little negative thing happens. Fight with a wife or girlfriend, and life is terrible. Car wrecked, have to get repairs, life will never be the same. Personally, I'm not a big fan of life being the same, and I really think that if life is terrible, there's only one way to go from there. But even as I climb this spiraling staircase, convincing myself that what I'm writing has some deeper meaning, I still find myself going back to my original thought...
Fuck.
Maybe it's the act that I can't get out of my mind as opposed to the descriptive. If only things were that simple. An acquaintance of mine has a fight with his loved one, at least he can still say she's his loved one... at least he still has someone to call. And if he can't, he's probably got someone else to call. There's the rub. I honestly can't remember the last time I was able to sit down with someone who I cared about, either as a friend or significant other, and talk about... anything. Loneliness has a strange way of forcing the mind to work differently I think. I see things differently every day. Make no mistake, it's not depression and it's not anti-social behavior or anything like that. I simply have lost every friend I had through a combination of random situations, personal mistakes, and bad timing.
To be where I am in life, without any real direction or anyone to share life with, can be really painful at times. But then again, I think I have gained a certain appreciation for the little things I didn't before. It's truth come full circle: the things you take for granted you will lose.
...but that's not to say you lose them forever. At least, I certainly hope not.
Fuck.
Positivity aside, I'm still going to bed alone tonight.
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